New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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