One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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