The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
