I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
