I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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