Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I AM VODKA MAN
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
