if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
