someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
21 Millennials Confess The Most Awkward Way Someone Has Tried Hitting On Them
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
25 People Confess The Most Ignorant Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Them
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.