I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
