My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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