Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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