If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
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