Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
