it's too hot outside to masturbate.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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