Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Randomize
