Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
