im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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