grandma shit on top of the toilet
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
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