thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
