if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
