the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
