1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
