i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
