i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
