smell my finger.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
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I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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