Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
