I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Randomize
