we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Randomize
