I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
