i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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