i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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