Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
