Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
