She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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