And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
