New invention idea: vibrating tampons
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
