Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
