i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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