Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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