I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
