I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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