i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
