if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
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i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
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Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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