Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
