Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
