Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
