Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Randomize
