I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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