i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
