Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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