well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
