i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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