He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
