I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
