My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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