it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
