worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
i need to put some appletini on your dick
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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