I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
